To that end, I present my In-Compleat Catalogue of Terrible Drivers.

Let us be honest, you and I. Driving has become a dangerous and enraging pursuit. The reason is, of course, all those blooming idiots who insist on taking up traffic space. What better way to fuel your mental health while motoring around than to ascribe names to these moronic souls who surely received their driver education class at the hands of the high school’s curling coach.

Here, then, are my submissions to the Official and Canonical listings:

Ramorons*

These folks only seem comfortable on the road when they are shadowing another vehicle. There are a few specific varieties of Ramorons.

• Sinistidiots* are those folks who cruise in the passing lane
• Side-drafters will always slow down while passing a semi, often staying next to them for miles
• the dreaded Cling-ons who pull up fast behind you and, once you’ve moved to the right-hand lane to let ‘em pass, blocks off your ability to pass the Turtle in front of you for at least 20 minutes.

Zenos

From the Greek philosopher whose famous paradox was that no one can ever reach a distant point, because they would always have to go halfway first, and so on unto infinity. You meet Zenos on the road when you are preparing to exit the highway, and pull behind them because trying to race ahead to the exit would be silly. Problem is, the Zeno continues to slow down, and at each point they are only going just fast enough that trying to pull around them would be fruitless, leading to a paradox where you will never actually make the exit.

Schitzo-frantics

These are folks who can’t seem to make up their mind whether they are in a rush or not. Often you see them race up to an intersection and jump wildly into the first break in traffic possible only to drive 10 MPH under the speed limit.

Magoos*

We’ve all been lost or found ourselves in the wrong lane to make our turn. Where you and I will pull into a parking lot to get directions or turn back to the missed intersection, Magoos stop in the middle of traffic and block all other cars until they figure out just where they heck they need to go.

Crazy Ivans

A catch-all for anyone who does something worthy of being shown in a video on Russian drivers.

Add to the list

What names do you suggest for my humble yet mighty collection? Leave me your ideas in the comments below!

Most people who know me realize that, between my Quaker faith and libertarian/anarchist values, I’m vehemently opposed to war (especially our current ones). Sadly, some people take that to also mean that I am opposed to, or hateful towards, our veterans.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

One of the core tenets of Quakerism is the belief in continuing revelation, that God speaks to us constantly. This is why Quaker meetings are held in silence, so that we can hear God more clearly, and without distraction. My own corollaries to this are:

• If God speaks to each of us, then I have no monopoly on the Truth;
• What God asks of me, He may not ask of someone else, and vice-versa;
• People of good conscience and faith will disagree.

What I see when I look at our veterans and active duty men and women are individuals who have a strong calling to defend their country.  And they make extraordinary sacrifices to follow that leading, not the least of which is putting their lives in danger.

This kind of action, made in a desire to serve and based on faith and trust in a higher purpose, is something to be revered.  Even when we don’t agree with the way our leaders use that gift.

God bless our veterans today and every day.

“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson